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Appendix (ix)

Colonel Hall When I went for my jog this morning, I thought it was going to be pretty warm (he twitches) . . . but in the event it turned out to be pretty cool really, and then it started to cloud up this afternoon, quite contrary to the weather forecast, naturally (he twitches) . . . and I shouldnít be a bit surprised if we got a spot of rain tonight.

Sybil Still, itís been a lovely summer, hasnít it?

Basil (striding in) Ah, Colonel! How delightful to see you again.

Colonel Hall . . . Sorry?

Basil How delightful to see you again. We met last year at the Golf Club dinner dance, you may remember?

Colonel Hall No I donít.

Basil Ah, sorry, well, we didnít talk for long, just good evening really, a blink of the eye and youíd have missed it. As indeed you did. Quite understandably. (the Colonel twitches; Basil stares, puzzled) Sorry?

Colonel Hall . . . What?

Sybil nudges Basil.

Basil Well. . . how is that lovely daughter of yours?

Sybil (quietly) Sheís dead

Basil (examining the colonelís lapel keenly) I like your suit. Isnít it super. The way those stripes go up and down, really super. How much did that cost, then?

Colonel Hall (irritated) Who are you? (Basil stares at him blankly) . . . I mean, I donít know your name!

There is a pause.

Basil (to Sybil under his breath) What is it?

Sybil What?

Basil (in a frenzied whisper) My name.

Sybil (calmly) This is my husband. Basil Fawlty.

Basil Thatís it!!

Colonel Hall What?

Basil How do you do.

Colonel Hall How do you do. (Basil offers his hand; the Colonel shakes it and twitches)

Basil May I introduce my wife?

Colonel Hall She just introduced you!

Basil Oh, what a coincidence!

Colonel Hall Yes. I donít believe you know my wife . . .

But the diminutive Mrs Hall is standing behind the Colonel and neither Basil nor Sybil can see her.

Basil (to Sybil) Dead? (Sybil nods)

Colonel Hall May I introduce Mrs Hall?

Basil and Sybil look round, puzzled, then spot Mrs. Hall. She and they peer round the Colonel and smile at each other.

Basil Oh, sorry! Didnít see you down there. Donít get up. (Sybil nudges him; he takes a closer look at Mrs. Hall)

Sybil What would you like to drink, Mrs. Small? Hall!

Basil Yes, a short, or . . . oh!

Sybil A sherry . . .how about a sherry?

Mrs Hall A sherry - lovely.

Basil Oh good. Large, or . . . or . . . not quite so large?

Colonel Hall Two small and dry.

Basil Oh . . . I wouldnít say that.

Colonel Hall What?

Basil I donít know . . .

Colonel Hall (irritably) Two small dry sherries.

Basil Oh, I see what you mean! Sorry!

The Colonel twitches. The bell at reception sounds. Basil bows and withdraws.

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